Leader Newspapers journalist Nick Miller was on the Jon Faine ABC radio show on Tuesday talking about an amazing and disturbing incident at Dandenong Hospital. He said a man, whose wife had just given birth, asked for a tissue for his wife because she was a bit emotional. The staff said no, WE DON”T SUPPLY THOSE, YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR OWN. Jon Faine was astounded and he and Nick Miller had a discussion about whether we are going down the path of the United States health system. Are my fellow nookers as shocked about this attitude from our hospitals as I am? How do you feel about BYO tissues? Where will it end - BYO bedpans? Have you had anything similar happen to you?

Should I give up trying to have lawns at my house? I have fairly big lawn areas at front and back (by inner Melbourne standards). I run the washing machine water onto them and some dishwashing water gets chucked there but it doesn’t seem to help in this drought. I’m putting in two water tanks but I’ll probably end up using most of that water on shrubs, vegies and other plants rather than the thristy old lawns. And tanks of course only work if we get a bit of rain in the first place… Should we lawn-owners just give up and plant native gardens and have rockeries and all that stuff? Or has anyone tried so-called “drought resistant grasses'’?

This place used to be a bit weird, one of those joints that doesn’t know if it’s a bar, a cafe or a restaurant and never seemed to do any those very well. But now they have a great menu, pleasant ambience (let’s call it “relaxed Northcote style'’), friendly staff and the food is good. Sort of ‘’gourmet pub'’ standard I suppose, and prices perhaps a bit less than foodie pub prices. Only a few steps from Westgarth Cinema, so great for before and afters. And here’s a tip: if you are with Origin Energy and have one of their Advantages cards you unhesitatingly get a 20 per cent discount on all food and drink!!

IF the Logies reveal anything they show how dire is the state of Australian television. Is a bland soapy star really the best we have? Can one still be called a comedian if you are unfunny? Why is there an award for reality TV? If those Big Brother people want to be locked up then I’m all for it, but just don’t televise it.

So, in a spirit of galloping cynicism and negativity, I’m setting up The Nookies, awards for everything bad, mundane, boring, repetitive, jejune, cliched and painful about Australian TV. Here’s some categories and some nominations (feel free to come up with your own categories, as well as nominations). There are no rules. I’ll make some sort of unscientific analysis of your responses and declare winners in a week or so or whenever I get around to it. Forgive the spelling mistakes in the names, couldn’t be bothered checking.  

Graham Kennedy Award for Most Outstanding New Talent: Bert Newton. 

Worst Drama Series Nookie: The Channel 9 breakfast show Today; The Catch-Up.

Worst Children’s Show Nookie: The Footy Show.

Worst Sports Coverage Nookie: Channel 10 has a crack at doing the footy.

Worst News Coverage Nookie: Nominations to every piece of reality TV promotion or backstabbing dressed up as news and current affairs.

Worst Comedy Program Nookie: Australia’s Funniest Home Videos (isn’t it great to laugh at kids breaking bones - and then encourage other kids to make their own bone-breaking videos)

Best Comedy Show Nookie: Nominations include Today Tonight, A Current Affair, Media Watch.

Least Outstanding Actress Silver Nookie: Kate Ritchie; the whole cast of McLeod’s Daughters.

Least Outstanding Actor Silver Nookie: That young guy with the facial hair on Neighbours.

Most Annoying Presenter Nookie: Hall of Fame nomination to Kerri-Anne Kennerley; Bindi Irwin; Lateline’s Tony Jones. 

Stupidest reality show idea Nookie: That Pussycat Dolls thing.

Best Decision to Dump a Presenter Nookie: Nominations: whoever dumped Naomi Robson; Eddie McGuire for Jessica Rowe.

Nookie for Most Annoying Child: Bindi Irwin.

Nookie for Most Annoying Ad: Melbourne Cup field. Personally, as a fan, I hate all the ones that destroy Beach Boys songs. Let’s just say I’ll never buy Good Guys or Cadbury products.

Most Annoying Reality Show Nookie: The Nookie must be firmly in the grasp of Big Brother.

The International Star Who Should Be Brought Out for the Logies Presentation, for No Other Reason Than Our TV Industry’s Justified Inferiority Complex: Inspector Rex.

The Nookie for the Show that YOU Would Bone First if You Had the Chance: How about Mornings With Kerri-Anne. Maybe All Saints. A Current Affair and Today Tonight are expected to poll well.

The Polished Mirror-like Nookie for the Biggest Ego on Australain TV:  Lateline presenter Tony Jones; Kerri-Anne Kennerley.

The Gold Nookie, for the Most Annoying Person on Australian TV goes to: (your call)